Shake it Up
I’d like to paint a lovely picture of how my life has been improved by the adversity of the past few years and to make everyone believe I’m the plucky heroine who makes it through, sometimes by the skin of her teeth, but always with a smile.
That’s a bunch of bullshit.
My professional/public life since 2016 has been a series of challenges, aspirations dashed, and confusion, with a soupcon of irredeemable interpersonal drama thrown in for flavor. It’s been hard, it’s been demoralizing, and it’s forced me to question everything I’ve ever done, every decision I’ve ever made, every instinct I’ve tried to train myself to trust.
I’m lucky that my life partner is a true partner in life – someone who stands back to back with me so we can cover each other and help keep each other standing – that helps. A lot. But the thing about standing back to back together to fight the big demons is that if you never get a break? Eventually you both just fall over and get eaten. And we’re both really exhausted and starting to flag.

Yesterday my car, an ancient Dodge Durango that originally belonged to my stepfather, then my sister, and finally came to me, died a horrifying death in the middle of a parking lot. Luckily the person I was with at the time had a good sense of humor (she took the picture on this blog)(by the way, that’s me and a “car guy” who is literally saying, “Uh, your engine is FUCKED” at this very moment captured on film) and we were able to remain upbeat as we pushed the Durango out of the main parking lot, took everything out of it, and waited in the 98 degree weather for my dad to pick us up (thanks, dad!).
Today it’s hard not to be sad. Having to sort out a car situation like this is never fun, there’s that, but it’s also just another metaphorical statement of my life right now. Everything is janky, exploding, and broken and I feel like I’m saying goodbye to things I care about left and right. Making decisions or motivating myself to take action – ANY action – is getting harder and harder to do when stuff just keeps HAPPENING and I don’t have time to react before something else goes belly up. Smiling and answering, “Oh, fine” when people ask how I am is nigh on impossible.
It can’t be fun to be my friend right now.
Or, hell, maybe it can. I’m certainly an excellent resource to make people feel better about their own lives. Maybe that’s my role right now.
The take-home lesson I feel like I’m working with is “time to figure something else out, none of what you’re doing is working.” I get it. I do. But I’m also just tired and sad. More than anything I’m tired of trying to pretend I’m not sad about everything that I’ve lost, including that stupid, old, gas guzzling monster of a vehicle. I’m not crying over a car. I’ve just been cutting onions, that’s all.
© Regan Wann 2018